The Skipping Record…..

The man sits alone listening to a record at a train station. No one around him, no one there to listen, alone in his thoughts he sits and waits for the trains to pass him. He watches the people in the windows ignore one another, reading their papers, and drifting off to thought. He imagines what their thinking, what their dreaming, what their hoping, and wonders the types of dreams they have. Are his the same? Are they all wanting and wishing for the same life to live?  Lost in thought, he doesn’t realize   that his record is skipping. Unaware he does nothing about it. He sits there, content, watching and thinking, forgetting about the song he needs to finish. At the end of the night, once the trains stopped running, he continues to sit alone on that bench waiting for something to happen. He is waiting for something, for someone, for anything …. But the record keeps on skipping and he sits there alone and clueless. 

My life as it is…. nothing special, but it will do!

Well, I’m done with college. It’s one more thing to check off my list, one more thing that has come and gone like chaff in the wind. It’s crazy to sit here after all these years and still think about all the years left to live. It kind of makes me feel ridiculous to think about what i know and what i have left to learn. And it’s funny to think that the rest of my journey won’t come from school with a teacher, but rather with the life i chose to live now that I’m done. Learning is going to look completely different now.

As many of you know i had been planning to move to Chicago in September, but all that changed about two weeks ago. I got asked to interview with Gap for a new role that they were implementing in the stores. So I did, knowing that if I did take this position i would have to stay home (California). Well, I got the job! So that means that I’m staying in California for one more year. I’m committed to stick through it till next May and then after this year I can decide where I want to go or  stay in California, which i don’t! want to do! I kind of have mixed feelings about this position I have just taken, on one hand I’m really excited to be part of something that is new and to  learn and be challenged but on the other hand i had stuff already for me in Chicago. I kind of just feel like I’m postponing all that I was actually really excited to do. Not to say that working with Gap isn’t great but really it isn’t what I thought my life would look like after leaving The Master’s College. But the beauty of it all is that God knows what he is doing, even if I don’t.

It’s been good to be away from home this last week. I have been in both Chicago and Ohio visiting some dear friends that i love very much. Every time I’m away from home it helps me think long and hard about my life. I don’t know if you all ever have this experience but I know that when I’m away from my comfort I seem to examine myself more and be more introspective. I see things in myself that i wouldn’t usually see. I think that this is because of the way i live my life at home. I’m a busy person. I always have been and i love it but sometimes it’s good to slow down and really think, and vacation is when that usually happens for me, because I have time.

But ….. this time it was harder for me. I not only got my little heart shattered by my stupidity and lofty expectations but the Lord humbled me for not trusting him. I feel like that is often something i struggle with, the idea of trusting God! He knows what he is doing! Why is that so hard to believe sometimes?

So life is kind of going to be normal. Nothing new, nothing different. But it will do, and i will make the best of it.

 

Happiness Comes In 3 Forms!

Happiness, Joy, Excitement can’t begin to describe what this week has brought to my life. Let’s just say that it has been one blessing after another. And this post is dedicated to these three people that mean so much to me. 

 

1. BENJAMIN ASHER SMITH is born. That’s right, my good friend Heather finally gave birth to her sweet sweet precious son. They had been waiting for this for such a long time and finally the Lord blessed them with a healthy little boy. Congratulations Heather and Aaron. Thank you for always being such an encouragement to me and for  letting me  be involved in your life. I will be sad to see you guys go to Michigan in a couple weeks! Know that you will be missed. 

2. TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE PEE PEE’S BIRTHDAY ! Aka: Brian Matthew Michael Smith. Friend, you are so dear to me. Thanks for the laughter and the fun we always have. And happy 24th birthday. You are getting old, and don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. hahahahahaha  

3. The three letter word that rhymes with “ax”! Yes you guessed it…… EMILY ROBERSON (Peep) IS ENGAGED!! So let me tell you a little funny story. While at Brian’s birthday dinner last night i got a message on my phone. I had no missed calls from anyone so i just figured it was no big deal and I didn’t bother checking  it. I didn’t end up getting to my dorm til really late that night and by the time i had gotten back all i wanted to do was go to bed. 

 Meanwhile, my precious peep had left me for the day to go to Catalina with RJ. Of course everyone else around her was telling her that THIS was the day. The day that RJ would propose. But i thought otherwise. I was convinced that this wasn’t the day because RJ assured me that i would know and that i would help scheme the day. So the missed call……. WAS IMPORTANT! Peeper got engaged and i wasn’t there to answer the phone!!!!!!!

Good news…. i was the FIRST person she called and the LAST one to find out. And you all want to know how i found out? you guessed it…. FACEBOOK! UNBELIEVABLE! I went home for the day and my mom and i were looking at some stuff online, so naturally i went on my facebook after i was done, yelled and screamed when i saw my friend’s status and called immediately. 

Lessons to learn from this situation……

1. ALWAYS check your messages. 

2. ALWAYS check your friends status on facebook….. hahahaha just kidding. 

I cant believe that i was the last to know!

But dont you worry, when i got to school i ran to her, SCREAMED for about a half an hour for joy and i took her out to celebrate. 

Peeper, Im so happy for you! May the Lord bless  your relationship and may the wedding be GRAND! hahahaha! 

P.S: RJ: FAB- U- LOUS job on the ring friend.( I mean BOULDER)!!! I will have you know that she sang the song ” hid it under a bushel… NO! I’m gonna let it shine” song all day.  hahahaha! 

Taking A Chance!

Why not?! Right?

I mean, I am the first to admit that I’m not one to take chances. I would rather just do the thing I’m supposed to do. Something that is safe.  Follow all the rules of life and love and rest that that was the right decision. But…. on the other hand, the Lord has definitely blessed me so much by taking chances and trusting him in them. That on the other hand doesn’t mean that  I’m not unsure or scared, cuz I definitely am, but for right now in my life, i feel like chances is what I got and that excites me. So all that to say……… I’m taking a chance, a big one and praying that I will be blessed at the end.

 

 

 

From The Inside Out

A thousand times I’ve failed Still your mercy remains Should I stumble again Still I’m caught in your graceEverlasting Your light will shine when all else fades Never ending Your glory goes beyond all fameYour will above all else My purpose remains The art of losing myself In bringing you praise In my heart, in my soul I give you control Consume me from the inside out Let justice and praise Become my embrace To love you from the inside out Everlasting Your light will shine when all else fades Never ending Your glory goes beyond all fame And the cry of my heart Is to bring you praise From the inside out of my soul Lord my soul cries out.

This song has been on my heart all day. May you all be blessed with it as I have been and may it be true.

Forcing myself to think…..

Well it’s true, I have loved my time in Chicago thus far. I have been here for a couple of days now and i have loved every second of it. I have enjoyed the lazy mornings, the large amounts of coffee that are drunk to keep ourselves awake throughout the day because of the long night conversations, the all day meanders around the downtown and exploring every possible thing to do in this sweet city, watching one of my best friends grow in her relationship with her husband, reading and praying about my maybe future here, and then just taking advantage of these times that i have with friends that I won’t get to see often.

It’s funny, in a second, literally a blink of an eye I’m here where I am. I find myself about to make one of the next biggest decisions of my life and I DONT want to. Being here with Corrie this week has just made me think of my childhood and not want to leave it. I mean, I do but then I don’t. Last night, we went over to Karin’s aunts house where she asked us all (the four of us girls) how we all knew each other and about what we were pursuing with our lives. As we all spoke, I could just hear the insecurities fly out of our mouths. Although for the most part we all had a plan to some extent, i could see the fear in us all. We were speaking as though we didn’t believe the things we were saying. We just needed someone to reassure us. We were looking for an okay but there is no one out there anymore to give us that. Its our decision that we need to make. 

 I feel like I’m about to walk blindly into a decision about my future. I shouldn’t feel this way, because I have prayed so much about this but still i don’t know for sure and the unsureness scares me. I feel like just running away from it. I just don’t want to think about it anymore but i can’t. I’m consumed by it. I’m consumed with what my future is going to look like here pretty soon. I’m so anxious. I know that, but i don’t admit it to myself till i write it. Although i think it’s kind of weird to write this down for you all to see, i need to do it for me because it forces me to think and clearly articulate my thoughts.

 I guess I’ll keep you guys updated.

Some Time To Breathe…………

Lets just say my life is a little crazy right now and I cant believe that these last two months have flown by. I have not had a chance to catch my breathe at all since I have been back from Israel and I know that that is causing me to forget about the things I learned there. There is so much that I take in, so much that I hear and that I learn and that I study but honestly I find that I never really have time to think through things to the extent that I want to because of the craziness of life. But I know I bring it on myself. Seriously this semester is kicking my butt. 21 units and 2 jobs is no fun right now but I just got to pull through for a little bit longer. I feel like I just have had really no time to think. I want some time to breathe and some time to think and some time to evaluate the things I have learned the last couple of months and also to be in prayer about my life to come in the next couple of months.

I’m a little overwhelmed but I know that you all are faithful to pray and I know that the Lord WILL sustain me. There is no doubt in my mind that he is there holding me up when all I want to do is give up. I know we all feel this way often in life with the responsibilities we have and things we want to do but I know I often forget the power of Christ and his love and care that he bestows unto me everyday. I forget that I’m not doing this alone, I forget that his help is there if I just ask.

All that to say, I’m tired but I know he is beside me. I know his mercies are new every morning and I just have to be faithful with the life he has given me. I also have been recently thinking that I focus to much on the future instead of thinking of the places the Lord has me now. I must be faithful to do the here and now and the Lord will lead my way.

Some quick updates on stuff:

1. I sent in my application to GAP Co. so pray that I will get this job. I don’t know where I would be sent but right now its looking like I would be in San Francisco for 10 weeks in the summer and then I would have to decide between San Fran and Chicago.

2. I’m almost done with school. I have about 7 weeks  once I get back from spring break, which I’m so excited about spending with the dear Haluga’s ( Corrie).

3. I found an amazing church! Thank you all for your prayers and that I would find one that I could serve in. But that’s just it, I want to serve but don’t know what the best decision is giving the fact that I could just be taking off here in a couple of months. I so desperately want to be on high school staff but I don’t know if its unwise to get involved in these kids lives only to leave them in 7 weeks. I just don’t know. And then, what happens if I don’t get this job and end up staying home. I just want to be wise in this decision. So pray for me guys. The Lord needs to make it clear and I need to be patient and wait for his answer.

Praying for you all.

Longings After God

So I read this this morning and it was just such a good reminder to me. It was out of the book, ” Valley of Vision.” It was a good reminder of how I should long after God always. To pursue him with all my heart. I pray that these words would be true in my life.

 Longings After God

My Dear Lord,

I can but tell thee that thou knowest I long for nothing but thyself, nothing but holiness, nothing but union with thy will. Thou hast given me these desires, and thou alone canst give me the thing desired. My soul longs for communion with thee, for mordification of indwelling corruption, especially spiritual pride. How precious it is to have tender sense and clear apprehension of the mystery of godliness, of true holiness! What a blessedness to be like thee as much as it is possible for a creature to be like its creator! Lord, give me more of thy likeness; enlarge my soul to contain fullness of holiness; engage me to live more for thee. Help me to be less pleased with my spiritual experiences, and when i feel at ease after sweet communings, teach me it is far too little i know and do. Blessed Lord, let me climb up near to thee, and love, and long, and plead, and wrestle with thee, and pant for deliverance from the body of sin, for my heart is wandering and lifeless, and my soul mourns to think it should ever lose sight of its beloved. Wrap my life in divine love, and keep me ever desireing thee, always humble and resigned to thy will, more fixed on thyself, that i may be more fitted for doing and suffering.

What Am I Thinking?

I’m currently taking this class in Astronomy and I’m loving it. It’s only a week long class but in this week I have been able to learn so much.  I have been amazed, shocked, blessed, by the things I have seen. Well that is, the things our God has allowed me to see. I was sitting in the car with a friend last night as we were driving to dinner, when I looked up at the sky and saw the stars and the moon, something we all see on a day to day basis. But last night was different. After taking this class and reading about all the intricacies and details of our universe I couldn’t help but think how truly GREAT our God is. Great in two senses, Great in that although this universe is massive, God is still bigger and Great in every form of way the word can be used. 

            When I was a little girl I always wanted to be an astronomer  (I know, I’m a dork), because I was completely fascinated with the world we lived in and wanted to go and see it for myself. So I pictured myself flying and passing the planets and the stars as little kids do, well at least I did. Haha. But I also remember that there was also a part of me that was scared at the same time. As much as I would have loved to see the planets, the stars and everything else up in the sky, I also remembered thinking that if I did have an opportunity to do so I would be so small and so insignificant in comparison to everything around me. I was afraid of the size and the magnitude of it and really after taking this class that hasn’t changed. I now read about it and reading about it alone scares me. I could never imagine actually seeing it in person. And then I thought about the fact that no one might EVER be able to see it. It wasn’t made for me, or anyone else for that matter.  It was made for God and for his good and perfect pleasure. But yet in the midst of it being for His pleasure, our amazing God has allowed us to see things like the moon, the stars and even planets in his amazing creation.

            Last night during our lab, our dear sweet professor Dr. Englin showed us how to use a telescope and then took the telescope out to the parking lot to let us look at the stars and Mars, which was out right now. It was so awesome and it amazed me that God had allowed me to see these things from so far away. He provided a way for me to look at the sky and see, even though he didn’t have to. God didn’t have to, yet he chose to and for that I can’t help but think how Great our God is and how blessed I am to be his.

            Now on another note…….. What am I thinking? I have no idea! I feel like these last couple of weeks have been some of the most thought provoking weeks of my life. No joke. Things have changed, I have changed and things will continue to change. I’m kind of a creature of habit as you all know and laugh at me. I don’t really do well with change but it’s been a lot better. And im about to make the next big change in my life these next couple of months and I’m super excited. Like SUPER excited, I’m ready for a change.   In these last couple of weeks I couldn’t help but think about my whole life as a whole, from start to now. I’m graduating in May and that use to seem like it was years away, but now its just around the corner. It’s January 11^th! I only have a couple months left, and that  for the most part they’ve  been planned out down to spring break in Chicago with the Haluga’s and graduation in May and then back to Chicago for Corrie’s graduation and Ohio for their reception. Everything is planned and really all that is left is for me to figure out what in the world I’m going to do once that’s done. Once mid May comes I will be somewhere else, far away from sweet ol California. I have always just done the next thing, but now I still need to come up with what that next thing will be. So here are my options as of now:

1. Apply for corporate Gap and either move to New York or San Francisco

• a. I don’t want to stay in California
• b. New York is WAY TO EXPENSIVE!
• c. It’s a big city and I want to live in a big city
• d. I’m close to my family (aunt’s and uncle’s)

      2.    Go to Chicago

• Corrie will be there
• It’s a city and I have always wanted to live in a big city
• There is corporate stuff there for me to do if that really is what I want to do for the time being before eventually going to the mission field.

3. Go to Ohio with Amanda 

• Amanda will be close to her brother and sister in law
• Amanda will then be close to her future nephew or niece to be
• We could still live in a city there
• I really don’t care where I go.
  ( Is that bad to say? Honestly I don’t!)

So here it is. My thoughts are all over the place and I have no idea what it is that I am suppose to do. I am applying at all four of these places and seeing what happens and depending on that I guess that will determine where I go. Please keep me in your prayers and that the Lord would continue to open and close door depending on where He would want me to go. Crazy how things change. If you would have asked me a year ago what I was going to do I would have said that I was going to stay in California. But that is not the case anymore, so pray cuz I don’t know what is. Haha

22nd Birthday Recap

What a day that was. First of all….. lets just take a moment and acknowledge the fact that I am OLD! 22! What the heck? I can’t believe that I am that old but I guess life just flies by. Let’s just say that my 22nd birthday was unlike any other birthday I have ever had before.The day started off by my mom waking me and my two friends Bailey and Emily (who came all the way from Colorado and Mission Vejo just to come and spend the day with me). My mom then decided that she would try a new recipe for oatmeal because it is my favorite thing to eat for breakfast and she wanted to make me a great breakfast for a GREAT day! hahahaha. It was delicious and my friends thought so too. ! I LOVE my mom! She is always so quick to serve me in any way she can. She takes good care of me and I’m grateful for her sweetness and love. I then was greeted by my daddy who gave me a big hug and kiss for my birthday. He then sang me my birthday song and pretty much has continued to sing it for this whole week. One thing to note about the Monge family is that birthdays last a week. Hahahaha. My dad then gave me a present and that was some furry white slippers he had seen that reminded him of me. Of course I laughed a little and kissed him again for being just so darn cute. I LOVE MY PARENTS! Not only am I always entertained but really I have never met anyone quite like them. It is going to be very hard to say goodbye to them some day. Next was our hilarious adventure to cornerstone community church to go hear Francais Chan speak. I had gone to Cornerstone the week before but unfortunely he wasn’t scheduled to speak that day, so i decided i would try again. On the way to church I got the WORST stomach ache i had ever experienced ( don’t worry, it wasn’t from my moms oatmeal from earlier that morning), so the four of us, Amanda, Bailey, Emily and myself decided to stop by the supermarket to get something for me to take. To our shock, the whole store smelt like one rotting fish. So of course, we went, we searched, ran a little and got the heck out of there. hahaha.But of course during worship I couldn’t stand. I couldn’t believe that this was my second time trying to here Francais speak and I didn’t get to. I had to go lay down in the car while my friends finished the service because I felt so sick. I was a little sad but luckily they had the sermon projected on loud speakers outside the building, so i rolled down the window as I lay in the back of my car so I could at least hear it. It was hilarious. hahaha.Next was lunch. My friends decided that there would be no other place to go eat other than our favorite Chipotle. We had so much fun. I felt a little better but not enough to fully completely enjoy my burrito! ha. It was there that we discussed horse salt after eating a chip that was completely covered in so much salt that my whole face was distorted from it ( not really but it was SO SALTY). I then told them the story about the time my freshman year when i took Amanda down to Burbank to have Chipotle because we didn’t have one in Santa Clarita. I had never laughed so hard in all my life. Here’s the story. Amanda had just come home from studying abroad in Ireland and while she was in Ireland the people there were so impressed by the way she spoke Spanish. As we all know, Ford does not speak Spanish but knows a couple words here and there. So of course when she came home she still thought that people here would respond the same way they had done in Ireland when she spoke Spanish. So ……… all that to say, when we went to Chipotle and she was ordering her burrito, she pronounced it in a way that the women behind the counter had no idea what she was taking about. I think it went like this….. ” I would like a Ba-ri-to!” Oh Ford. She couldn’t back down though because she didn’t want to look stupid, so she continued to ask for a Ba-ri-to even though the lady had no idea what she was asking for. hahahaha. Don’t worry, Amanda still got her burrito that day, i made sure of it!Next, was our stop back to my house for 2 and a half hours before the rest of my friends met up with us for dinner that night. So of course we did what any 22 year old would do on her birthday. The four of us curled up on my bed and watched Stardust while we ate popcorn and drank hot chocolate till the rest of my friends came over. It was such a neat experience to see my friends from school and my friends from home together with me. I have great friends that love me and I don’t know why?….. but never the less, I’m grateful for them. Next came probably the funniest ride to Beverly Hills I have ever had. Steve drove of course in his moms explore type car and in the car was me ( the birthday girl), Emily, Bailey, John,  and Julie, with Lisa and Amanda in the other car following us. As we drove, my favorite part was when all of sudden we were listening to a string quartet covering all of Reliant K’s songs. I thought I was going to die laughing. It was so funny and nerdy but hilarious none the less. Haha.  The fun did not stop there for I then put on an Usher song and had the whole car singing to “Burn”. Hahaha.  And then it happened……. John ruined a song for me. Never ever ever listen to a song called Bubbly. It is bad and I never knew. It sounds like such a sweet innocent song till you listen closely to what she is talking about. He ruined it and for that I was not grateful. Just kidding John, I’m glad you did. We ended the car ride with one of my favorite Queen songs of all time, Bohemian Rhapsody. We were all rocking out. We finally arrived at the restaurant in Beverley Hills after driving in the rain for about an hour. We had a great meal, had my last drink before going back to school the next day and going back on contract. I danced a little in the rain to get my fix till May and then the night was over. We tried to go to the Arc Light to see Juno but unfortunately they had all sold out. But no worries, we all just went home and I prepared myself for Winterim Astronomy class the next day.It was a pretty low key day, full of fun memories. Thanks guys for making it really special even though I wasn’t feeling the best.